It was like any other morning in my house….I gave Ella and Puss (the cat) their treats, made my coffee and made my way to my chair where Ella was waiting for her morning snuggles. After giving my Ella girl her hugs and kisses, I drank some coffee, listened to some meditative music and thought about all the things in my schedule for the day. Then I reached for it, because it’s always there with me, like an extra body part I can’t escape. My phone.
The doom scrolling began. First on Instagram where I took notice of what was in my “suggested for you” page and watched a couple cute reels before heading over into Facebook. It was there that something started to percolate in my body. A (continued) feeling of being confused about why something was happening all over my feed.
There were RIP posts and videos coming up for Charlie Kirk, who was assassinated in front of thousands of people, including his wife and two young children. Charlie was using his voice at the time of his murder, doing what he did countless times. Having a debate with people that had opposing views to his own. He was doing something that I advocate for and something I feel so strongly about.
“Use Your Voice”.
If you don’t know this about me, I have these words on my wall of my podcast studio, in bright lights, that’s how much I believe in it.
So why was I feeling two feelings at once about this situation? Why was I shocked and angered that someone was shot dead – in his throat – for using his voice, and also feeling something else that I couldn’t quite name yet.
I sat there silently until I knew what it was. I was replaying some of the things I heard Charlie say over the past few years. I would watch his content and for some reason, in my body and in my heart, I felt that something didn’t resonate with me. It wasn’t for everything he said, but there was this feeling of “this isn’t what unconditional love feels like”.
The only thing that kept playing in my mind was “what am I missing”….”why doesn’t this make sense to me”? Why are so many people making him out to be a martyr right now? At first I thought I was going crazy to be honest. I thought I had to have heard him wrong, misunderstood what he was saying and didn’t get the full intention of his messages. It didn’t take me long to realize that I wasn’t the only one who had strong feelings about some of the things he spoke of.
Instead of taking more time to reflect and think about all this, and decide if saying something was even a good idea, I made a post. My words were harsh and some called defamatory. I thought about putting what I posted here (to be fully transparent), but chose not to and I hope the rest of what I write about explains why.
As I hit the button to send my thoughts into the world, I knew in my soul what was about to happen and I braced myself for impact. Some people who disagreed, unfollowed me immediately, within minutes. Some took a bit longer. With each goodbye I was starting to feel misunderstood, and then sad.
Next were the comments in my post. Each time a new one came in, I braced myself again for what might be more pain and sadness.
It was the opposite. There was dialogue, there were people sharing their beliefs, peacefully. These continued into my DM’s and even a beautiful video call with someone I went to school with. Where we both left feeling heard, and where we held space for each other’s grief.
If you’re still here reading this….I appreciate you.
What I discovered through all this has so many layers and if you’ll stick with me, I hope you’ll understand what those were, for me. It all began when I did mirror work. If you don’t know what this means or entails, here is a definition from Google:
“Mirror work is a self-reflective and spiritual practice that involves looking at your own reflection in a mirror, making eye contact, and saying positive affirmations or self-loving statements to foster self-acceptance, emotional healing, and personal transformation. The practice encourages self-awareness, helps address limiting beliefs and fears, and aims to build a stronger, more compassionate relationship with oneself.”
I had to really sit down and look in the mirror about this situation in it’s entirety. What about Charlie Kirk made me so upset……….about myself? What I discovered in this process was not only HARD, but healing on a level I can’t even describe with words. Here is what I discovered about myself:
- I’ve had this irrational longing to be loved and accepted by everyone. And I mean….everyone. In the whole world. Why? That is something I am still working through. What this has REALLY made me understand is, you’ll never be for everyone (just like CK was not for everyone). Only the people who are supposed to be in your light will find you, and stay.
- I’ve been putting my heart into the world for over 5 years now with my podcast, my book, and social media. There are days where I feel like I’m screaming into a void, like no one is there and what is the point of all this? Am I even making a difference? It’s a lot of work, so do I keep going? Was there jealousy that I am not reaching the millions of people that he was….now I see that as a truth for me. What this has REALLY made me understand is, I am making a difference even if I don’t see it with a like, a comment or DM. I am laying down any need for validation and trusting that who needs to hear or see something I share will….and that it helps their journey in some way.
- I’ve been scared to share about my spirituality journey like I want to. Charlie Kirk was unapologetic about his faith. I was raised in a Catholic religion and my faith was so strong. I was that kid that went to church retreats and they were some of the best experiences of my life, where I felt more connected to God than in the walls of the church I attended on Sundays. What this has REALLY made me understand is, sharing my excitement and love for my spiritual journey is more than ok, it’s part of my purpose. I have a deep love for God, more so now than when I attended those youth events. It’s because I’ve found my own relationship with him, and it doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s.
- The most important thing I realized in this mirror work was about my voice. The post I made was NOT how I want to use it. I want to be able to share how I feel from a place of love, not hate. Does this mean I now agree with things that have been said or done by CK? Absolutely not. But I am not his judge, only God is and it wasn’t right of me to judge. I understood that to my core when I felt deeply judged for what I was saying. This is mirror work.
With this connection, we all serve a purpose in each other’s life. Sometimes the purpose is unclear….until it isn’t.
For many years, I couldn’t understand my brother Cory’s journey. His life of addiction was hard to understand. It was only when I began to sit with him and really listen that his life’s purpose, in my life, was shown to me.
He was here to teach me so many things, but the biggest one is compassion. His purpose in someone else’s life may have been to teach them forgiveness. And in another person’s life, unconditional love.
Charlie Kirk’s purpose, in my life, was to show me how I want to use my voice for the rest of this lifetime.
I want to use my voice for helping others heal, I want to use my voice for LOVE. I want to be a person that other souls feel safe with to share some of their hardest truths. I want to leave this world, knowing I used my voice for good. And I want to continue being vulnerable with my voice, even if it shakes. It’s in the shake of my voice, that I know I am giving someone else the courage to use theirs.
I asked this question to a few people I was conversing with this past week and I invite you to reflect as well….what about this event, Charlie Kirk’s death, or your reaction to my post is something that needs to be looked at more closely in the mirror?
I would love to continue this exploration with you. Send me an email at hello@tiffcarson.com or send me a DM.
Love Tiff
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